Female privilege is getting to claim a headache to avoid sex.
Female oppression is having to claim physical illness to avoid sex because men won’t take a simple fucking “no” for an answer.
Female oppression is men being so entitled that they think being denied sex is oppressive.
My parents are both pastors and once I was fucking this one dude who’s dad was the pastor of the rival church and he whispered ‘talk biblical to me’ so i started reciting Psalms 23 and we ended up getting into a competition of who could recite the most bible versus before they cummed
you need less jesus
I turn 20 in four days.
I’m retaking a math class in the summer because I failed it in the spring,
& my checking account is overdrawn exactly one hundred fifty-five dollars and eighty-three cents.
I lost my job five months ago because because I stole a coupon, & if you look at my Amazon Wishlist right now,
you’d see Crayola markers listed directly next to a Hitachi Magic Wand — “THE STRONGEST VIBRATOR ON EARTH!”
Ordering pizza on the phone makes my hands shake.
I still doodle the names of boys in the margins of paper.
I chain-smoke Marlboros, but I can never pronounce them correctly to the gas station clerk.
I used to cut out chunks of my heart & whip-stitch them to my sleeves.
Everyone would ask how I could leave the house like that.
I hated myself for getting bloodstains on my favorite shirts.
Now, I’ve cut out my heart & sliced it 52 ways,
dealt them out like a poker game, with
four aces stuffed up my bleached shirtsleeves.
Now, I’m always the winner.
I still find magic in the beach.
I still catch lightning bugs between two cupped palms.
I think that sunsets are the most truthful things on this planet.
My life now
is scored by lazy giggles and the metallic strike of Bic Lighters. It’s a nice thought when
My life then
only left scores on my thighs.
But now it’s June, the heat is crawling down my throat and
illuminating my lungs.
I’m not where I need to be, but I’ve shoved my past out of the way.
And I can’t believe I get to say this but,
I turn 20 in four days.
"I Want An Ice Cream Cake For My Birthday, Please" by Julia Lathouris (via joolia)
Rand Paul responded to the Obamas’ interview last month where they talk of encouraging their daughters to work minimum wage jobs to understand what real work feels like. In doing so, he made one statement that pretty much sums up the disconnect many Americans have (especially those with money) regarding the minimum wage.
The minimum wage is not temporary for many people and everybody cannot move up the ladder toward jobs that don’t exist.
John Mulaney | The Salt & Pepper Diner
THE BEST JOKE IN EXISTENCE
GOD I JUST TOLD SOMEONE ABOUT THIS STORY
This is one of the best pieces of comedy that I have ever had the pleasure of witnessing. I love this. I have been looking for this online for awhile.